Vincent D’onofrio is a serious actor with a long resume. If we are talking horror, you will remember him as the terrifying antagonists in The Cell (2000) and Chained (2012) and the crazy guy in Full Metal Jacket (1987). And then in 2010 he decided to try his hand at directing with Don’t Go in the Woods. Why, Vincent D’onofrio? Why? This movie is just plain bad.
To make matters worse, this movie is a MUSICAL. I’ve said this before about Stage Fright (2014) – there is a reason musicals and horror movies don’t belong together (excluding The Rocky Horror Picture Show, of course). It’s like mistaking salt for sugar in your coffee. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth. But at least Stage Fright has some comedic relief. For Don’t Go in the Woods, being a musical is the least of its problems.
It’s about a bunch of hipster, band boys who plan a trip in the middle of the woods for some distraction-free music writing. These characters are as stereotypical as it gets- with long hair and tight pants, major douchebags who wear sunglasses at night. Wait, sorry. The guy in the film wearing sunglasses at night is blind. Anyway, the leader of the band, dick Nick, doesn’t want any distractions so he smashes everyone’s cellphones… and no one is THAT upset that he has ruined their phones… because that makes sense. No weed, no phones, no girls. Well, the girls (groupies) show up later.
So thirty minutes into the film and nothing has happened except a group of kids sitting around a fire singing. These actors aren’t actors, but musicians. So you can expect bad acting full of pretentious dialogue, but the music sucks too- like, weepy emo shit. Finally people start dying, but the music doesn’t stop unfortunately. Honestly, you can just fast forward to the last half hour of the film and I promise you won’t miss a thing. The kills are very bloody. I’ll give it that much. Someone at the end of the film says, “The best thing you ever did was get rid of that band.” What they should be saying is “the WORST thing you ever did was watch this movie.”
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